klingon jokes

Q: How do you know when a Klingon's dead?

A: You're still alive, aren't you!

Q: Why did the Klingon cross the road?

A: To conquer the other side.

Q: Do you know what they call a Klingon with half a brain?

A: Gifted!

Q: Do you know what they call a Klingon with no brain at all?

A: Normal.

Q: What is the longest four years of a Klingon's life?

A: Third Grade.

Q: How do you get a one-armed Klingon out of a tree?

A: Wave to him.

Q: Why can't Klingon kids play in sandboxes?

A: Cats keep trying to cover them up.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to paint a starship?

A: 500 plus a Romulan. 500 Klingons to fight over the honor and a Romulan to actually do the job.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: TWO: One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and

take all of the credit.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: NONE: Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the dead bulb?

A: Execute it for failure.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?

A: Execute him for cowardice.

　

　

Top 15 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer

1) "By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!"

2) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake."

3) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' – they have 'arguments' – and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."

4) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"

5) "This machine is a piece of GAKH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"

6) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon."

7) "Indentation?! – I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"

8) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."

9) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."

10) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"

11) Our competitors are without honor!

12)"You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"

13) "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"

14) "Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs are always on the offensive. We only do offensive programming"

15) "Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and then owns the machine”.

　

　

　

A Terran goes into a Klingon. bar. He is drunk. He shouts to everyone "I love you Klingons, I want to become a real warrior like you. How can I do this?”

The bartender answers "To become a true warrior, you must carry out three tasks.

First, you must drink an entire glass of 200 year old ale.

Second, you must fight a wild chemvaH.

Third, you must make love to a Klingon woman“.

If you accomplish these tasks, you will be a real warrior." "OK" says the Terran.

The Terran takes a glass of 200 year old from the bartender and drinks it down. He becomes very drunk. "I will return!" he shouts, and leaves.

A long time later, the Terran returns. He is still very drunk from the ale. His clothes are torn and he has many lacerations. He's bleeding a little. The human cries out "All right! I've finished two of the tasks! Now, where's that Klingon woman I'm supposed to fight?"

A certain Russian starship navigator was the only survivor of a shuttlecraft landing on a disputed planet. Unfortunately he had landed in Klingon territory and was promptly captured by two Klingons who claimed he was spying. Alas, the Klingons had lost their own transportation and their communicators in the same ion storm, so they had to march on foot and did not reach their destination till nightfall.
Around the campfire the Klingons began to bore the young man with boast of Klingon strength and machismo. Finally the Russian said, "That's not so tough. In Russia we're so tough we play Russian Roulette instead of poker."
The Klingons asked what was so tough about Russian Roulette and were fascinated by the Starfleet officer's description of the "sport".
"That is indeed an exhilarating sport and an honorable death for the losers. Do you think you can teach us this game if we untie your hands?," asked the leader.
Seeing an opportunity to get his hands free and on a phaser or blaster, the young navigator agreed. His hands were untied and he explained again the basic concept of placing a weapon to your head and firing with the possibility that it would not kill you and then passing it to the next person. The officer reached for his phasor in the stack of his confiscated goods but was stopped by a rough Klingon hand.
"Wait!" The Klingon grinned evilly as he said, "You're trying to trick us. Well we're to smart for you." The navigator's heart stopped as the Klingon paused and lifted his blaster. "I'll go first!" Whereupon, to the Russian's amazement the Klingon idiot pointed the blaster to his head and fired.
As the headless corps fell to the ground, the Russian lunged for the fallen weapon. But alas, he was not fast enough. His arm was rudely twisted behind his back by the second Klingon who leaned forward and took the blaster from his fallen comrade's hand. Laughing menacingly, the second Klingon said, "Hah! I am not so stupid as you think. I know how this works. Now it's my turn!"

While partying on an out-of-the-way neutral pleasure planet, a Starfleet medical officer, a Romulan engineer, and a Klingon commander got into a brawl and accidentally killed a native. At the trial they were all sentenced to death.
When the time for the execution, the Starfleet medical officer was placed in front of the one-man firing squad. He fell to his knees and begged, "Please, I'm a doctor, not a killer. If you'll let me live, I'll stay in the community and provide free medical services for twenty years."
"I'm sorry," answered the executioner, "but we must follow through with the sentencing." And he fired. But the disruptor didn't shoot so the executioner said, "It is the law of this planet that if you should survive execution it is a sign from our gods that you are innocent. Therefore you are free." And the Starfleet officer ran skipping merrily off.
Next it was the Romulan engineer's turn and when placed in front of the firing squad, he stood tall and said, "while I do not fear death, I prefer life. If you would but let me live I will stay in your community and repair your equipment free of charge for fifty years."
"I'm sorry," answered the executioner, "but we must follow through with the sentencing." And he fired. But the disruptor didn't shoot so the executioner said, "It is the law of this planet that if you should survive execution it is a sign from our gods that you are innocent. Therefore you are free." And the Romulan walked away smiling.
Now it was the Klingon commander's turn. He marched bravely in front of the firing squad, but he too would prefer life and since there was no one around to see... "Sir executioner, I am a Klingon and therefore face my death bravely. But like most beings in this wretched galaxy, I prefer to fight for life and live to fight. I have noticed that your security services on this planet are disgraceful and your knowledge of weaponry even worse. Therefore I offer you my life in exchange for 100 years of indenture to your people. I can be of great aid. For example, if you just lift the safety switch on that disruptor..."

　

　

When Vorax was not at home, Vorax's wife and her lover together. They began to get intimate. Suddenly, Vorax returned home.

When he found his wife and her lover, he blew his top. "You have dishonored me and my House!" he cried. He removed his disruptor from his bely and pointed it at his own head. His wife and her lover began to laugh.

Vorax mocked them. "You laugh, huh? Well, go ahead and laugh! You're next!"